stumbling away from perfection

absence

2009-10-07T07:14:30Z

absence
is a double edged sword cloaked in
the beauty and the pain/heartbreak

my tear stained sleeve
will i remember your shape
in the days to come
embedded in my emotional consciousness

time is stretching painfully within everyone's hands
walking
not backwards or forwards
but searching for the self
Someone In Power threw away
not feeling comfortable in a stranger's skin
in the eyes of everyone else is my own

lost love is ideal, put on a pedestal, never gathering dust or black marks

2009-04-28T06:32:16Z

Lost love is ideal, put on a pedestal, never gathering dust or black marks
For always there will be greater and lesser than myself
You learn to love
or
Does it come in a package of forevers?
Half of me has yet to learn
Forever Love is yet to be known
my last of breath is deep, with yet a simple me of yet to please
Love however deep
seeps within me as wind to breeze
Come to me yet unaware
I'm standing here left to stare
my heart aches for you to say
How i love you yet to know
Must i continue to search within, as yet to him me yet within
Take my arms
But yet i feel noting within
My heart is yours but u don't hide
the part of me is yet to cry
come within my souls and yet to find us within
hinder
to find
yours above has flown above
crisply clear is what i've found
my sudden bell has yet to rung
Gone
Forever u and me

I wrote the first line and apparently inspired livegrover to write the poem! I feel special. I might try to write my own, I might not... My muse and I are currently in a long distance relationship.

happiness is leaving me as my eyes leak salty water

2009-03-24T05:03:01Z

happiness is leaving me as my eyes leak salty water
do not believe in fate or destiny or missed opportunities
life has a blueprint already set in motion
and sometimes the person you love
falls in love with another
trying to keep my best foot forward
an unattached indifferent mask on my face
regret is not for me
but will not deny
in the dark corner of my heart
in 25 million years i hope to meet you again

the transparency of my heart

2008-04-27T00:04:40Z

the transparency of my heart
is only (for you) seen by you
oh childhood friend and love
growing up in one another's pockets
sharing a love of the written word
in letters and literature

It's mostly me with a little dash of lj...

2007-08-05T05:43:45Z

I have not been updating on a regular basis for a while now. On the off chance there is someone, maybe two?, still reading this journal, who is not listed on my f-list, I thought I should let you know I will not officially updating this blog anymore (I will keep my account active to keep in touch with my f-list, and to read locked entries that I am "qualified" to read - the phrasing is awkward but I can't bother thinking of a more appropriate word after one in the morning...but for all intents and purposes I intend to be a blogging cheerleader from now on...). Time and inclination permitting I will be archiving entries important to myself at my wordpress blog. If I get into the habit of blogging again, I will be posting my wordpress username.
Thank you for reading!
Take care, and all the best!
~~PS Until I decide to import I am going to keep my lj account active with irregular updates... (4-28-09)~~
PSS Until I decide otherwise, my lj will active for my ramblings... Ugh. I'm too indecisive... (8-12-09)

This doesn't apply to me, but I know of a couple of people who could have used this in real life...

2007-07-24T08:05:36Z

credit: leggyslove

sometimes it feels like love is overwhelming

2007-04-24T16:58:27Z

sometimes it feels like love is overwhelming
a tidal wave
unavoidable and a force of nature
and
you want to let go
set your inhibitions free
cast aside worry and doubt
indulge in silky feelings
let seductive words rain over you
but then it feels so transient
like an overnight guest
who forgets you after two weeks
blind to the need for reassurance
and security
wanting commitment and receiving
three cent promises

i am frightened today/there are many types of love

2007-04-24T05:31:49Z

i am frightened today
running for my sanity
frantically trying to hide
the happiness i had buried
beneath bitterness and anger
like a new found surprise
i dusted off the love i felt for you

i had wanted to move on
i had planned to wash my hands without regrets
however fate is a contrary creature
you don't always want to remember
it is the hard times that cause you to treasure the good
i thought we had forever
but it ended after the rain
i feel like a fool
turning my back without a goodbye

unless you want to try again
learn from yesterday's mistakes
write a new page in the chapter called our relationship
after frolicking on the beach on a nippy winter day

there are many types of love
flourishing in the world
incestuous
make believe
idealistic
first, last or only
abusive
painful
familial
corrosive
puppy
forbidden
too many to name
thrusting a wound in the gut
ignoring the writing on the wall
desperate to be acknowledged
to be forgotten
to be re-discovered
to sob unshed tears
to watch a collision and not be able to stop the crash

infidelity
envy
dishonesty
second chances

waiting to be held
to be treasured and desired
to have you listen and understand

let it go

2007-04-13T08:05:10Z

let it go
and i will try to fly away
let it go
and the walls will come tumbling down
let it go
and eventually the heart will break
let it go
because there is no avoiding mistakes
let it go
before i close my eyes
i don't wanna let go of my dreams at night
i wanna be free among the sun and the grassy plains
i wanna know the tranquility of the forest within
i won't always understand
the pain you're going through
but if you don't let me know
nothing is ever going to change

currently into...

2007-04-08T20:37:31Z

a movie: Take the Lead
a book: Lover Revealed by J.R. Ward
a magazine: I can't remember picking one up in a while...
a cd (or band in general): Supertramp, Mika and City & Colour
a website: http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com
a blog: pajcat.wordpress.com
a catchphrase: cheers
a tv show: Kyo Kara Maoh! aka God(?) Save Our King!
a hobby: sleeping
a quirky activity: I don't have any! =P
a food or beverage: green tea ice cream milkshake
a game: King's Blood
other: n/a

credit: topaz_

If you are 30 or older, you will (probably) think this is hilarious!

2007-04-08T20:26:56Z

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with
their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ....uphill
BOTH ways... yadda, yadda, yadda. And I remember
promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way
in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that
on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I
can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to
say it but you kids today you don't know how good
you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have
The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go
to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the
card catalogue!! There was no email! We had to
actually write somebody a letter... with a pen! Then
you had to walk all the way across the street and put
it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get
there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal
music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store
and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around
all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ usually
talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just
download porn! You had to steal it from your brother
or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of
"Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a
busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy
Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had
no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom,
your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a
collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take
your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games
with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari
600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids"
and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little
square! You actually had to use your imagination! And
there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just
one screen forever! And you could never win. The game
just kept getting harder and harder and faster and
faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theatre there no such thing
as stadium seating! All the seats were the same
height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat
in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just
screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was
only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu
and no remote control! You had to use a little book
called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were
screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to
get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the
channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You
could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you
hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for
cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up, we had to use the stove or go build a
frigging fire... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn,
we had to use that Stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it
over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about!

You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

2007-04-08T20:10:41Z

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while

dishwashing Liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used
For the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of

progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed

because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions

on consumer goods.....

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and

that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a Fritos bag: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not
Turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot
After heating." (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on
Body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or

operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents

if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off

those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???.....)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions:
Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment
Does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish Chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
Hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere.)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread

the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a

smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to

everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

source: the_nightwing69

i tried to find a home

2007-03-28T05:23:03Z

---edited june 14, 2007---

march 25
i tried to find a home
in your heart without
breaking down the door
i wanted to find security
and warmth
a welcoming smile
a comforting hug
there is a line
between desire and reality that
i deliberately ignored
ignoring the line
between desire and reality
i whisper to the dawn
you can not miss what
was never yours
memories are already growing dim
hope blown out like a candle
failing to find the strength to go on
---------
it's the same story on a different day
on a different day
the door is closed
but there is no lock
tears being wiped away
revisiting hurt
remembering pain
is her touchstone

upon waking up

2007-03-25T06:06:40Z

march 20
upon waking up
from a fanciful dream
puttering about to
brush the cobwebs away
~~searching for a music cd to play~~
i can't ~~remember~~ recollect the song (anymore)
that ~~reminds me~~ embodies the memory of you
i'm chasing, searching
tearing up ~~my room~~ the house
on the verge of tearing out my hair
frustration is taunting me
at the back of my mind
yet
i ~~wonder~~ marvel
has so many grains of sand
passed through the hourglass
to wash away the memory
perhaps
i tell myself
it is better to forget and let you go
trying to keep the door closed and locked
since the day you walked
memories can not be altered
love does not always remain

waddling through lj...

2007-03-20T06:51:55Z

livegrover asked me why I do not write in my blog as much as I used to anymore... What can I type? That dregster was right and knew before I started that I would fall out of love with blogging? I dunno. To be honest, my life is a bit of snore right now (although I am not an exciting person to begin with...just easily excitable), although trying to find a bride maid's dress for Amy's wedding is giving it a little kick...

Note to self: Try not to gain weight between now and the end of may...

------------------------------

I noticed an article in the business section of monday edition of the Star that some banks (like my bank BMO, and RBC and maybe CIBC too...) stating if someone makes a partial or late payment - that person will have to make two consecutive on time payments before the interest is not applied to the purchases made on the credit card... And some credit cards also have a "over the limit" fee and a "you have a positive balance" fee... ~~I guess the banks/companies need more ways to pad their profit margins...~~
=@

------------------------------

Two Planar Chaos quotes I fell in love with:
"Belief matters more than truth. Every moment, belief in imaginary things alters lives while truth sits unnoticed and waits." —Hakim, Loreweaver (Gossamer Phantasm)

"Do the innocent pay for the crimes of the guilty? Of course they do. That's the fate of the weak." —Nicol Bolas (Imp's Mischief)

i've broken the meme seal...

2007-03-19T01:24:52Z

To play, start by listing ten weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself. When this is done, choose 10 people to be tagged and write their names at the bottom of your list. No tag backs! Those who get tagged then write their own 10-item list in their own journals. Be sure to include this set of rules.
tagged by: aishuu

1. Due to poor choices in footwear, both of my baby toes have now turned to the side.
2. I fell down the stairs leading to the family room in my old house, three times before I was nine.
3. Apparently, I cried the day Prince Charles married Princess Diana because I wanted to MARRY him too.
4. I pick at my nails all the time. My fingers would probably be longer if not my bad habit.
5. Pink was my favourite colour, during childhood.
6. I laughed whenever anyone said the word carrot during grade five.
7. One minute, thirty seconds is my all time record for laughing non-stop.
8. My first childhood crush was named John.
9. My chinese name = small sparrow.
10. I took on a puff or two on a cig when I was a baby...inhaled and exhaled too...

you're 'it': topaz_ spiralbeauty oceans_of_nat livegrover fejstuff goth_clark svz_insanity bitwhizzle pajcat and mantaray ocean

sometimes love hurts and knocks you on your ass

2007-03-06T21:43:00Z

sometimes love hurts and knocks you on your ass
but you can't turn off the emotion
or demand to have your heart returned
you can not deny the truth in the mirror
or the moments captured through your lenses

i'm getting ready for the day

2007-02-20T19:43:08Z

i'm getting ready for the day
to turn the page, and not having to see your face
a song will play on the cd player
and your name will not come to mind
words will not blur one day
because i will stop wiping away the tears
i will stop wondering
what you are doing right now?
eventually
the yearning to listen to your voice will wither and fade
taped conversations
torn up photographs
an old and faded tee-shirt
i plan to throw them out on the day
my shrivelled heart can find a new home
instead of broken memories
one day i will find a new inspiration
when i find my soul
i plan to walk away
i'm getting ready for the day
when you no longer haunt my present
and regret is put to bed and buried
i'm going to start looking for the key to my shackles
because only i can save myself from you

sometimes i wonder who it hurts more when someone cries

2007-02-16T09:18:51Z

sometimes i wonder who it hurts more when someone cries
the person crying
or
the recipient of the tears

=====================================

i'm putting your happiness on a pedestal after
i listen to your wedding vows
my best friend marrying my high school crush
so
before i after close the door
i want to borrow your lap and dream a little
while the stars are twinkling against a sea of black
martial obligation isn't the mantle on your shoulders
and
the gin allows me to hide any pain behind my smile

with you i have another chance at forever

2007-02-16T08:53:10Z

with you i have another chance at forever
trying to grasp the moment
and cherish it without breaking
relieved you understand
you will be sharing my broken heart with stolen memories
you already realize
i never thought this day
would be found over the horizon
i need time to heal my wounds
and yet
i want you by my side
hoping for a happily ever after

for a few moments i wanted to be the one you loved

2007-01-28T05:59:19Z

for a few moments i wanted to be the one you loved
i wanted to be first
the one and only
seed germinating within my mind
wanting happiness and not finding it in any of the places i have sought out

--------------------------

your tears are overwhelming and overflowing
my hollow heart
heeding the swansong of your cry

--------------------------

our story could never be labelled an 'endless story'
it's been two years since we parted
yet i tried to hold on to broken ties and promises
with bloody hands and a drunken heart
but the damage was utterly complete
coming back to a splintered house with broken windows
a slap in the face to wake up to the reality
fleeting and glittering
the past is put to bed

waiting for you to say goodbye

2007-01-07T05:13:25Z

inspired by meitachi

waiting for you to say goodbye
at times seems to be more than can endure
miscommunication
misinterupted situations
explanations may no longer serve to fill the void
it seems like only yesterday
i thought we were in love
now you're moving to the other side of the moon
before i found my courage and voice
will you be my only love
or will I eventually move on
i don't want to confront the truth
so for now
i am
waiting for you to say goodbye

your vision of love

2006-12-05T15:41:46Z

your vision of love
frightens and overwhelms
fighting against the current
gasping for breath
feeling the tightening in my chest cavity
fate is in the invisible wall separating
him from the love he craves
puppet strings
commanding him to walk away
unworthy and isolated
a curse spanning generations
freedom is only a dream
words can not contain or express
her tears
or fears
yet
no one can deny the hope
for a happy ending

A/N: Inspiration is Fruits Basket manga...it needs some polishing after I re-read the series from the beginning...

you helped to fill the empty i had hidden from myself

2006-12-03T19:32:04Z

you
helped to fill the empty i had hidden from myself
changed the memories i have, there is no longer a bitter taste in my mouth
reminded me, love has another opportunity to grow
taught to love, before leaving this earthly realm

love
does not have to hurt or belittle
does not have conditions or deadlines
is ever evolving and changing
is what you make it
is knowing you never go hungry with that someone by your side

you will dry my tears after they fall
with silence and comfort

is it selfish to want it all

2006-12-03T06:47:52Z

is it selfish
to want it all
best friend or (and) lover
with a scent of a lightning storm on the horizon
three hearts
not in sync
searching in vain
for the words to resolve
the knot of possessiveness and insecurity
buried beneath summertime memories
a best friend's patent feel better hug
and stolen moments blossoming from first love
now with the bump (fork) in the road
which way do you turn
learning to draw lines with tip of a sharpened arrow
to trust after a stolen kiss, a confession
and a resolution to return
walking into the future
stronger
in love and loved

--edited december 3 & 4 2006--